Conversations with Nil Buckley

Today we’d like to introduce you to Nil Buckley.

Hi Nil, thanks for joining us today. We’d love for you to start by introducing yourself.
The Story Behind The CARE Method: Rethinking Domestic Violence Treatment
I would love to share the story of The CARE Method and the impact it has had within our community—particularly in the lives of survivors, children, and families navigating the aftermath of intimate partner violence.
I began writing The CARE Method in 2020, during a time when the world was forced to slow down and work from home. At the same time, domestic violence cases were surging across the country. Here in Colorado, I found myself providing domestic violence counseling without a structured, evidence-informed curriculum. Although I had already been in practice for years, I reached an honest and difficult realization: what I was doing was not working as well as it needed to.
That moment of reckoning became the catalyst for change. I began developing a curriculum grounded in accountability and understanding—one that honors individual responsibility while also helping clients make sense of where harmful behaviors come from. The CARE Method is rooted in a trauma-informed, relational framework informed by family systems theory and an integrated theoretical model that draws from person-centered therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and motivational interviewing. Through chapters on intergenerational trauma, resilience, emotional intelligence, and self-reflection, clients are guided to understand their histories without being defined by them—and to take meaningful responsibility for how they show up in relationships today. When The CARE Method was published in 2024, it quickly began to extend beyond its original scope. What emerged was not just a curriculum, but a framework that resonated with providers seeking a more ethical, effective approach to domestic violence treatment. Today, it is being implemented by multiple counseling agencies and is also utilized by the State of New Jersey. Two formal research studies are currently underway—one through California State University, Sacramento and another through University of Denver—to examine its effectiveness and long-term outcomes.
So how did I get here? Along the way, I learned a powerful truth: effective domestic violence treatment must lead to internalized change. This is an area of care that still needs significant improvement nationwide. There is profound stigma surrounding individuals who have used harm in their relationships—regardless of whether the offense involved taking a partner’s phone, which can result in a misdemeanor charge, or strangulation, which is a felony. Once someone is labeled as having committed domestic violence, shame and stigma often follow. At times, this stigma shows up subtly—even unintentionally—within treatment settings themselves, shaping how care is delivered and received.
What I created through The CARE Method is a compassionate, non-shaming, trauma-informed curriculum for individuals who have used harm or abuse in relationships. It is designed to hold people accountable without stripping them of dignity. In truth, anyone can benefit from the literature, reflections, and exercises within this work, because it speaks to human behavior, emotional regulation, and the capacity for change.
Looking ahead, I am currently researching what intimate partner violence looks like within the LGBTQ+ community, with the intention of publishing a curriculum specifically designed for this population in 2027. My ultimate goal is simple but deeply ambitious: to transform how domestic violence treatment is approached in this country. I truly believe that when treatment is done well—when it is ethical, compassionate, and effective—we reduce recidivism and, most importantly, increase safety for victims and children. That belief continues to guide every page I write and every community I serve.

I’m sure it wasn’t obstacle-free, but would you say the journey has been fairly smooth so far?
It has not been a smooth road—and I don’t believe meaningful change ever is. One of the earliest challenges was acknowledging that the approaches I was using, despite being well-intentioned and widely accepted, were not producing the depth of change I hoped to see. Letting go of familiar methods required humility and a willingness to question my own practice.
Another significant challenge has been navigating resistance—both within systems and sometimes within the field itself. Domestic violence treatment exists at the intersection of clinical care, public safety, and the legal system, and change in these spaces can feel slow. There is understandable fear around doing something differently, particularly when the stakes are high. Introducing a non-shaming, trauma-informed approach while still holding firm boundaries around accountability has, at times, required careful explanation and trust-building with courts, agencies, and even colleagues. Despite these challenges, each obstacle reinforced the purpose behind The CARE Method. The difficulties clarified what was missing and strengthened my commitment to creating a model that could meet people where they are—without compromising safety, accountability, or hope for change.

Can you tell our readers more about what you do and what you think sets you apart from others?
My work lives at the intersection of clinical practice, creativity, and systems change. I am a licensed mental health professional and forensic evaluator who specializes in domestic violence treatment and assessment, particularly with individuals involved in the legal system. For nearly a decade, I have worked with people who have caused harm in relationships, survivors navigating safety and recovery, and families—especially children—impacted by intimate partner violence.
I am best known for developing The CARE Method, a trauma-informed domestic violence intervention curriculum designed to hold individuals accountable while honoring their humanity. The work draws from an integrated theoretical model that includes person-centered therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, motivational interviewing, and family systems–informed concepts. What sets my approach apart is its emphasis on internalized change—helping clients understand why patterns developed, without excusing harm, and supporting them in doing the difficult work of changing how they relate to others.
While my work is clinical and forensic in nature, it is also deeply creative. Writing has always been a part of who I am. I began writing poetry as a child and published my first book as a teenager in Brazil. That creative foundation continues to shape how I approach my professional work today. I believe that language matters—how we name behavior, how we ask questions, and how we invite reflection can either reinforce shame or open the door to growth. The CARE Method was written with this belief at its core.
What I am most proud of is contributing to a shift in how domestic violence treatment is understood and delivered. Seeing agencies adopt the curriculum, research institutions evaluate its outcomes, and clients engage in deeper accountability has been profoundly meaningful. Above all, I am proud of creating work that prioritizes victim and child safety while still holding space for the belief that people are capable of change when given the right structure, support, and challenge.
At its heart, my work is about offering something better—not by rejecting what has come before, but by building on it with compassion, rigor, and hope.

How do you define success?
I define success by the depth of change, not by visibility or recognition. Success, to me, is when accountability becomes internal rather than imposed—when someone begins to take responsibility for their behavior because they understand its impact, not simply because a court or system requires it.
Success is also measured by safety. When survivors feel safer, when children experience more stability, and when cycles of harm are interrupted rather than repeated, that is meaningful success. Often these outcomes are quiet and unseen, but they are deeply consequential.
On a professional level, success means contributing to a field in a way that strengthens it—offering tools, language, and approaches that help clinicians, courts, and communities respond more effectively and ethically to intimate partner violence. It means creating work that can be used long after I am gone and that continues to evolve through research, reflection, and collaboration.
Ultimately, success is knowing that the work I am doing aligns with my values: compassion without minimizing harm, accountability without dehumanization, and hope grounded in evidence. If the work helps even a small number of people change the trajectory of their lives and relationships, then I consider that success.

Pricing:

• 49.95 – Client Workbook
• 69.95 – Therapist Manual

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.caremethodbook.com
• Instagram: nil.buckley.co
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/nil.buckley.co/
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nil-buckley-ma-lac-lpc-ncc-dvcs-aa181272/

Image Credits
These are all mine