Life & Work with Lu Walker

Today we’d like to introduce you to Lu Walker

Hi Lu, thanks for joining us today. We’d love for you to start by introducing yourself.

When people ask me about my story, I feel very lost and scattered. I am not sure where to begin because for the past eight years, I have felt as if I’ve been daydreaming and living in someone else’s body. My therapist says I haven’t been in “self” for a very long time.

When people think of dissociative disorders, they often think of the movie *Split* or some insanely tragic and disturbing YouTube series about someone with 49 different personalities. Although people with dissociative disorders fall on a wide spectrum, most of us don’t have total amnesia; we have covert traumas and then a few big traumas.

About two years ago, I had what I would describe as the start of an awakening. Now, I find myself in someone’s aging body that I do not recognize, with memories that I know are mine but feel very foreign. Today, I find myself staring at my reflection in the mirror, feeling suddenly very real and very alone.
I guess that’s my story—my journey to self. When you are a very emotional, sensitive, and empathetic person, you attract the worst types of people who want to suck you dry.
In the past two years, since I began to wake up, I ended a 10-year toxic friendship and an emotionally abusive romantic relationship. One day, I sat up in bed and realized I am a real person with valid needs and desires, and I didn’t need to be treated like a doormat.

We all face challenges, but looking back would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
When I was growing up I was a very sensitive child. I struggled with very intense emotions, and I still do today.
I struggled in school and I struggled at home. I was diagnosed in second grade with dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADD, and NVLD ( non verbal learning disability.) Being constantly pulled out of class for testing and special ed played a powerful tool in tearing down my self esteem. I would mask at school all day and then come home and melt down. Instead of being held and soothed as a child I was criticized, mocked and punished. I couldn’t control my emotions and grew a lot of shame around my emotional episodes. I had many unmet emotional needs. I soon started to feel intense rage at myself. From ages 9-18 I hated myself and I was actively suicidal. I would punch myself in the face and the head and began self harming pretty severely. This is a habit I still struggle with today and I still feel immense shame around.
School was a nightmare, and home was nightmare. This is when my brain started to split off into different parts of myself to protect myself. I didn’t know it then but I was dissociating almost every day for years. I remember distinctly telling myself it felt like suddenly the world would go from 3D to 2D. I wasn’t real, and it felt safer to not be real than to be a real person who I deemed a very bad person.

In 2015 I met the dreamiest emo boy of my dreams. We met at the Marquis in Denver, at my friends show. I was 16 feeling pretty cool with my bright pink pixie cut and he was 19 with swoopy scene bangs a lip ring and gauges. I was in love pretty much instantly. It was a very scandalous ordeal at the beginning given that I was 16 turning 17 and he was 19 turning 20. But I didn’t really understand why at the time because I felt very grown up and he was gorgeous and the sweetest boy I ever met.
His name was Austin and he played in a metal band in Colorado Springs. We ended up dating for almost three years until June 2017 a week I after I graduated high school. Austin unexpectedly committed suicide. That is the second time I remember vividly my brain breaking and my mind splitting into a million different parts. That summer was the worst summer of my life. My parents moved to Portland very quickly after. It’s the most alone I have ever been. The people I was surrounded by were cruel to me. I began drinking every day at 9 am till 2 am. I had no boundaries, no care for myself and I put myself in dangerous situations over and over again. During this time I wrote a song called Skull. Its lyrics are very raw and listening to it today It feels like such a time capsule of where I was mentally during this awful time of my life. I wrote “ I spoke to your ghost, an hour ago you said to move on and I said fuck god.” I feel like that line really emulates where I was, I was never super religious but until Austin’s passing and I did enjoy the concept of God. After he died I felt so much anger and at the universe and at a God I didn’t really even believe in.

In 2020 I began dating a person who ended up being very emotionally abusive.
My self esteem and self worth when we met was very low. I just wanted to be loved and I wanted to be wanted and my now ex gave me that. Except they gave it to me in the form of love bombing. The beginning of our relationship was such a whirlwind. They made it seem like we were twin flames with such distinct similarities that only are real in the movies. They told me they were in love with me after 3 weeks of knowing each other. But as soon as we were official – everything changed and it went down hill for the next three and half years. To everyone else they were this charming, silly very nice person. They were nice to everyone but me. We would often fight because they would stone wall me out of angry as a way to punish me for ever bringing up anything they did that I felt hurt by. They called me crazy and scary and once even asked me what I would do if they broke up with me and I had to navigate dating as a disabled person. They weaponized my childhood trauma against me as well as the trauma from losing Austin against me. For three and half years I was physiologically tormented by this person. This was another time my brain shut down and I dissociated probably 99% of our relationship. I would often have parts tell me I was being abused and I just didn’t trust myself. This person made me doubt myself so much.
I’ve been in therapy for 13 years and the last 5 I have been working extremely hard to get into “self . “ In June of 2024 we had one last fight where they yelled at me on the phone and hung up on me and something clicked. I felt myself in my body and I felt brave and strong enough to end the relationship. For the first month after my brain felt light and I realized my parts were gone. They were so relieved I finally listened to them that they went on hiatus! My ex punished me for leaving by stalking me in person and on social media. They tweeted about me none stop- even threatening to harm themselves and blaming me publicly for it. I went no contact with them and now it’s been 4 months since I have spoke to them.
They continue to try to punish me with their flying monkeys and smear campaign against me.
It’s been four months and I am finally coming out of it I think. I almost didn’t make it though because being alone in self without my parts protecting me is so scary. It’s such a new experience I’ve never felt before. I became depressed and suicidal because I was really alienated from the music scene, which is a community a cherish. I lost friends, and people were really angry at me because my ex was saying awful and untrue things about me.
Today I would say I am 75% in self most of the time. My parts can trust me me now, I showed them I will listen to them and they really only come out in specific situations or in triggering situations and times of stress.
I will never let anyone treat me like that ever again. I am strong, and I am brave and most of all I am REAL.

Appreciate you sharing that. What else should we know about what you do?
I channel my experience through my music and my visual art. I write lyrics that are raw and real and heartfelt. I’m not someone who uses a lot of metaphors in my lyrics I prefer to tell it exactly how it is.
I have been writing music and performing for about 11 years since I was 14 years old. Writing music is my favorite way to process my emotions and channel my energy. You can stream my music under the name Bad Boy Bug if you are interested in hearing my sad songs.
I also paint a lot of portraits, I am fascinated with understanding my parts and one way that I do that is by painting them. I almost only paint faces, maybe one day I’ll branch out but until then I am painting the parts inside me.
I have recently started taking commissions for custom portraits, it’s very new but I am excited to do more of that!

What has been the most important lesson you’ve learned along your journey?
I have learned to have a back bone. I have learned that I would rather be alone than to be around people who don’t see me as a real human being with real needs.
I have also learned to trust myself, and the parts within me. They are there to cause chaos they are there to protect me and they are looking out for me.
I have learned I am stronger than I thought I was and that I am capable of standing up for myself. I am excited to continue this journey of healing and understanding myself and my parts.

Pricing:

• Custom painting $300

Contact Info:

• Instagram: Badboy_bug
• Youtube: https://youtube.com/channel/UCdaghXCoTDBQGValFS4QD5Q
• Other: https://open.spotify.com/artist/4zq75qphfm2raXlbuxUIZH

Image Credits
Tammy Ealom
Dylan Paate
Deanna Gusman
Chloe Barkley
West Bird