Conversations with the Inspiring Allie Barker

Today we’d like to introduce you to Allie Barker.

Thanks for sharing your story with us Allie. So, let’s start at the beginning and we can move on from there.
Well, I’m a 6th generation Coloradan, raised on the west side of town with a younger sister by two ambitious and loving parents. I caught the travel bug early and after a trip abroad upon high school graduation, decided to major in French and Global Tourism at Colorado State University. I studied in Nice, France for 6 months, and swore that I would return post-grad to teach English and live out my dream of being a successful ex-pat, perhaps marrying some European heartthrob, and raising adorable multi-lingual children in a quaint French town. The Universe had other plans in store for me, because when I didn’t get into the teaching program (I didn’t actually have a passion for teaching, so there’s that), I took a job in sales/account management for an international student travel company, and met my now-husband (an American heartthrob) shortly thereafter.

While I wasn’t living in France, I was still able to travel extensively and use my French sporadically. After a few years in this role and a quick stint as a finance and accounting headhunter, I found myself working for a Denver-based start-up in client services. When I started, our company was just barely over 50 full-time employees, and as we grew, so did my career. After a year, I was asked to take on a team of associates and soon my group alone made up over 20 employees in our bourgeoning organization. I was managing managers, spearheading projects, leading new initiatives, and knew all the nuts and bolts of our internal systems and processes.

When I went out on maternity leave in Spring 2018, I decided to channel my new mom nervous breakdown/identity crisis into my career and enrolled to start my master’s in management online. But, taking a pause on my career path, I want to focus on a part of my life story that is very fresh and very raw, but very much a part of who I am. Since my early twenties, and truthfully as far back as I can remember into childhood, I have had generalized anxiety disorder, coupled with the obsessive side of OCD. I’ve seen a wonderful therapist since I was 15 years old, but in college, the talk therapy was no longer enough and I started medication, as well. I learned to manage my anxiety and before giving birth, had gotten to a really good place with how to work with my monkey mind, not against it.

But pregnancy/birth/motherhood changed that. It broke me. It altered my reality and my understanding of myself and left me with someone new, changed, and uncertain. I knew who I was before having a baby – I was successful, ambitious, and an attentive friend and a spontaneous and free-spirited wife, eager to see the world and live life to its fullest. But who was this new woman, how was she going to take care of a baby and a career and a house? More importantly, why did any of it matter? My identity as I knew it had been compromised, and I was left stripped down and raw. I had to go off of my medication for the last trimester, and then spent the first 6 months postpartum also trying to find a breastfeeding safe but effective medicine to take its place, ultimately cutting my breastfeeding journey short in an effort to potentially save my sanity. I was so deep in the throes of a functional depression and existential anxiety-ridden journey that as I look back on those precious first few months with my daughter, I’m convinced I didn’t allow myself to fully appreciate that it might be the only time I would experience the magic of growing a birthing a child and watching her become her own person. I saw my therapist weekly, began acupuncture and meditation, anything in an effort to help me feel more normal. I started back to work in the Fall, and then made the decision to switch medications again, which was a huge setback but ultimately a good decision. I read, and journaled, and googled, and asked my dear husband 1000 questions about when I was going to feel OK again, and if this would last forever.

One year later, and so much has changed. I’m still grappling with my new identity, but have figured out that I don’t have to figure it out. Isn’t the journey of life to live? Why can’t I do it all? The problem is I wanted to do it all right away, and still do, but the sometimes painful reality is that it takes time. My story is mine, and as I continue to learn to trust myself and get to know myself again as a mom, in addition to a wife, daughter, sister, employee, boss, friend, and all of the other more familiar identities I have, I’ll continue to learn to love this new identity and what it allows me to be and to do.

So many new parents don’t talk about the often scary, mind-bending and deep intensities of the transition to their new lives, but I’m here for it. As a hyper-self-aware, anxiety-ridden individual, I think it’s my duty to share the reality of my journey with others so that if it resonates, they can take solace in parts of it, knowing that although I’m not even close to having it all figured out, there are more people like them out there. Every day I get closer to becoming who I want to be, but it takes a village, and without mine, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Back to my career. When I got back from maternity leave, I was promoted to our Director of Business Operations and was running three successful teams that were impactful, exciting and important to the business. But something was missing, and after much reflection and discussion, I realized that it was the work itself. I wanted to get my hands dirty still, to be part of the work and the direction of the organization, to apply my skills to the largest swath of people. I loved performance managing, leading, building, fixing, but also listening, solving, advocating. How could I do all of those things wrapped up into one? For me, the answer was HR. I pivoted my career and applied for and got a job as one of our HR Business Partners. Not everyone probably says (or wants to admit) that all roads led to HR for them, but for me they did. I can balance the needs of the business with the well-being of employees, something I am certain I will never get bored trying to achieve.

I’m still taking classes toward my masters, and I’ll sit for my SPHR (HR certification) early next year. My story is not one that has been without internal struggle, but every time I doubt the Universe (which is often), she shows up at my front door to remind me that she has a bigger plan for me.

It would be great to hear about any apps, books, podcasts or other resources that you’ve used and would recommend to others.
The Universe Has Your Back – Gabrielle Bernstein

The Calm app – daily mindfulness practices, sleep stories, and meditations

I also am the type of person who likes to buy lots of books and look at them sit on their shelves, instead of opting for a lighthearted romance novel from the grocery store to help me decompress.

Contact Info:

• Phone: 7209829297
• Email: amvarnell@gmail.com
• Instagram: alliemarieb

Image Credit:
Libbie Martin

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