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Meet Trailblazer Kathy Escobar

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Today we’d like to introduce you to Kathy Escobar.

Thanks for sharing your story with us Kathy. So, let’s start at the beginning and we can move on from there.
Like most every person I know, my story is a paradoxical mix of good and hard and beautiful and messy. My childhood was interesting, with my single mom raising three kids on her own, working hard to keep the lights on and food on the table. My father, who was different from my brothers’, was an addict who got sober from drugs but remained a lifelong alcoholic. He dearly loved me, his one child, but life was complicated. I had a step-dad who was an alcoholic, too, and I learned how to survive in my family by being the good girl, the peacemaker, the one who got straight A’s and did everything “right.”

The only problem is that I was also very divided, with an inner life that was filled with insecurity, shame, and loneliness that people didn’t see because I had perfected the art of being “good.” Through a lot of hard work and a hefty scholarship, I was able to go to college—no small thing since my dad only had a 9th-grade education and my mom was going to community college when I graduated. It was a game-changer for me, and afterward, I started my career in a management fast-track job in a telcom company and they paid for me to get my master’s degree. Right as I graduated, I married my husband, Jose, who was a Navy pilot flying off aircraft carriers; instead of continuing my career in business, we entered into Navy life in San Diego together and started a family. My career took a back burner for a few years.

After the birth of my second child, I started to do some personal work to integrate my inner life with my outer one, which is sometimes the hardest work we’ll ever do. As I began to make myself vulnerable and began to heal, others around me felt more open to share theirs, too. I learned we all have a story and so many of us think “we’re the only one who feels this way.” I began to learn how desperate people were for safe spaces to take off our masks and share our real lives, real stories.

We had another son before moving to Colorado where two years later, we discovered we were having twins! With five kids, my husband now working as a pilot for the airlines, and me leading a variety of healing groups in church, I began to truly find my passion—creating safe and brave spaces for transformation and healing. For over 20 years, I have facilitated a variety of different healing and support groups—ranging from regular weekly community groups with young families to post-abortion and sexual abuse support groups, 12 step recovery, and other topics centered on personal and spiritual transformation. I wrote my first book in 2002 with a friend that was centered on breaking down our distorted images of God, and began to speak at conferences and facilitate workshops and other spaces beyond my local community. In 2004 I graduated from Denver Seminary with a certificate in spiritual direction and went on staff at a mega-church as a care pastor and eventually an adult ministry pastor.

Juggling raising five kids and being in senior leadership on a very performance-driven staff team was incredibly stressful, but it is also where I strengthened my roots as a female pastor in an evangelical Christian world, where women are not allowed to be in particular roles based on theological interpretations. It was not an easy task, but my love for healing community increased even though my boat-rocking didn’t go down well.

Fortunately for me, I was connected to some folks who believed that women can freely preach and teach and lead, and after several years of working at the mega-church, we planted a new community called The Refuge in 2006. Some of the pain I experienced also catalyzed a radical faith deconstruction where I knew I could no longer espouse to some of the doctrinal beliefs and practices of evangelicalism but still was called to follow the ways of Jesus. For the past 13 years, I have co-pastored The Refuge, which has evolved into a thriving and beautiful Christian community and mission center hubbed in Broomfield, Colorado, and serves people on the margins of life and faith. We have a wide variety of opportunities for healing community throughout the week, including a free café where people who are struggling or experiencing homelessness can eat, rest, gather resources and find dignity and hope in community. It’s incredibly beautiful, and is a little like the Cheers bar without the alcohol—“where everybody knows your name, and everybody’s glad you came.”

I started writing, speaking, and facilitating workshops and retreats more publicly 13 years ago, too, blogging and publishing two solo books—Down We Go: Living into the Wild Ways of Jesus and Faith Shift: Finding Your Way Forward When Everything You Believe is Coming Apart as well as developing several on-line classes for people healing from church and faith wounds. In February 2020, my newest book will release. It’s called Practicing: Changing Yourself to Change the World and is a bit of all my life’s work in one place. It’s for individuals, groups, and organizations and centers on ten practices for embodying change, hope, and healing in our broken world. The practices are: Healing, Listening, Loving, Including, Equalizing, Advocating, Mourning, Failing, Resting, and Celebrating, and I think the timing is good with the election so many people desiring to live out a better way of moving in the world.

In 2018 our twins graduated from high school and went to college and Jose and I, married 30 years in 2020, became empty-nesters. Our other three young adult children have all graduated from college and we recently expanded our nonprofit initiative #waterheals—Water Sports Empowerment or the Soul into a broader organization called #communityheals—Making Spaces for Transformation Accessible For all which now also includes – the spiritual direction work that I’ve been doing with people around the US and world–#presenceheals: Soul Experiences for the Journey. (fixed this) Our cornerstone initiative has been #waterheals where we teach people how to wake-surf, water ski, wake-board and kneeboard all summer long, now out of Boulder Reservoir. I love the water and It is incredible to see what happens when people of all ages, shapes and sizes, and life experiences make themselves vulnerable and courageously try. It is so inspiring! In 2019 we added a mountain cabin and #beautyheals—Rest and Renewal for Weary Souls—and hope to make mountain experiences more accessible for all people.

Over the years, I’ve been a student, manager, healer, mother, pastor, speaker, writer, wife, leader, and dreamer. The fall of 2019 ushered in an entirely new season in an unexpected role—grieving mother. Our youngest son died just shy of his twentieth birthday, and our whole family and community are trying to find our way forward through this dark night together. I am having to practice everything that I’ve been teaching, leading, and trying to practice for over two decades, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. In the middle of so much good in my life—co-leading a thriving community, amazing young adult kids, our non-profit growing, and a new book coming out—I am also experiencing the deepest pain. It magnifies the reality of my story—and most everyone’s human story—best: Paradox. Beautiful and brutal, all in the same space at the same time.

Great, so let’s dig a little deeper into the story – has it been an easy path overall and if not, what were the challenges you’ve had to overcome?
Smooth is definitely not a word I’d use to describe this road! As a female pastor and leader, I have bumped up against patriarchy and misogyny in our systems in more ways than I can count. Breaking the stained-glass ceiling hasn’t been an easy task, and there are many days I wanted to throw in the towel, leave anything faith-based altogether. But I know that some of the same issues exist in the private sector as well and my call has been in faith systems. One of the primary reasons I have stayed in is that I deeply and passionately believe that the path toward greater equality will only come through modeling it. People need to see what is possible when women freely lead, what can happen when we tilt away from imbalanced patriarchal systems to healthier, equal ones with bigger tables and more voices.

One of the ways that I have sustained over the years is connecting with other strong and resilient female leaders both here in the Denver area and around the US and world through online connections. Knowing that there’s a solidarity in the struggles of our work is extremely encouraging and sustaining. I keep my eyes firmly on the younger generation who need us not only to stay in and keep advocating for change but to support and encourage them in their work. I believe a big part of my work is to do everything I can to support young women in their leadership and passion and find courage to step into their gifts and dreams.

My advice to young women (and something older ones finding their voice for the first time) is to build a support team as soon as possible—cheerleaders, encouragers, wise and safe voices—who will stand alongside you as you grow into your leadership. It is incredibly vulnerable to step out in courage, and there will be many nights we are up tossing and turning wrestling with feelings of being “too much” or “not enough.” We need people who will remind us of the truth.

Alright – so let’s talk business. Tell us about The Refuge and #communityheals – what should we know?
My primary work is to create safe and brave spaces for transformation and healing in real life and online. I do this at The Refuge, my faith community that is an extremely eclectic, creative, and unique Christian community and mission center, and I also do it in a variety of other contexts. I am most known for being a practitioner and will always be the person in any group or system that tries to bring ideas, concepts, and dreams into real life and practice. Practice is one of my favorite words because it’s not about perfection, mastery, or performance. It’s about trying, engaging, making ourselves vulnerable, being learners, embodying. I don’t think the world needs more theoretical concepts. I think we need more tools and support for tangible practice that help us not only be healthier human beings but to bring that health to the families, groups, and systems we live, love, and lead in.

Beyond my family, I am most proud of the groups that I nurture in real life and online that are safe and brave spaces for transformation and healing. I love what can happen with some intentional facilitation and a place for people to engage with their real lives, real stories, and real hope. It’s definitely one of my greatest joys.

Forming #communityheals in 2019 is a really exciting addition to my work at The Refuge and abroad because it centers on making sure that all people have access to opportunities of healing and growth—not only people with resources to pay for retreats, workshops, and experiences. #waterheals is one of the most special things I’ve ever experienced and dovetails perfectly into everything I care about. I’ve been water-skiing, wake-boarding, and wake-surfing for a lot of years now. There’s no way around falling, getting back up, and trying again. As a pastor and mom of 5 in my early 50’s, I think modeling for people of all ages (from 4 to 70 years old) how to risk and try something so vulnerable has been really empowering. There are so many life metaphors that happen on and behind the boat!

What’s the most important piece of advice you could give to a young woman just starting her career?
Find a support team! Gather other people across ages and experiences who believe in you to support you as you find your way into leadership and passion. Share your truth with them, the highs and the lows and call them when you are struggling with hard situations that make you question yourself. Talk about the honest dilemmas of feeling like we are “too much” or “not enough” and how that is playing out in your life as a leader. Nurture check-ins and ways you can have a circle of support as you keep growing in experience and leadership.

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Image Credit:
Erika Chambers Photography, Westminster John Knox, Melissa Jungbauer Photography

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